SQWORLD CHAMPIONS!Squirrels Defeat Geoducks for PFNFBL Title Denver, CO; They overcame injuries, substance abuse, chemical dependency and legal problems. On a night when everything was on the line, the Denver Squirrels drew a line in the sand. The mighty Geoducks were reluctant to cross it and the Denver Squirrels are became the 2012 PFNFBL Champions. Despite horrendous shooting which plagued Denver throughout the series, the Squirrels hunkered down and defeated the ‘Ducks by beating them to loose balls, challenging shots and hitting clutch 3’s with the series on the line. “Those guys just did what they have to do to win and we didn’t answer” remarked ‘Ducks PG, Deron Williams. “Hats off to them, they didn’t have a top-10 player all season and they were still able to somehow pull it off” he added. Incident OFF the Court Leads to Results ON the Court Earlier in the week, the Geoducks’ LeMaurcus Aldridge and Tony Allen were enjoying some off-court time at Elitch Lanes, a bowling center in Northwest Denver when the two visiting players encountered Javale McGee and Gerald Wallace; - well into their 3rd bottle of Dos Manos Tequila. Words were exchanged and a scuffle ensued which resulted in an injured hip for Aldridge and severe facial lacerations for Allen. Wallace and McGee (both armed with knives) emerged unscathed. The outcome of this confrontation resulted in Aldridge missing the remainder of the series and Allen being unable to play for three games. Many analysts feel that this very well could have been the difference in the series. “We gots soldjas mutha(expletive)s!” remarked head coach Rufus Henry regarding the events that unfolded. “Ya’ll caint (expletive) wid us or we cut chu!” With the two Geoducks’ players out, Pau Gasol and Rudy Gay both had huge series, stuffing the stat sheet and making up for poor shooting as a team. Squirrels’ Star Dirk Nowitzki had an especially poor shooting series with sub 40% shooting while leading his team in FG attempts. His off-target performance was attributed to excessive alcohol consumption prior to games 3, 4 and 7 where he admitted to using ‘the bottle’ to combat nerves caused by the pressure of playing on the biggest stage in basketball. LeBron James led the way for the Geoducks in a losing effort despite being booed and personally insulted relentlessly by the belligerent Denver crowd. [As an aside, most feel that there was no call for the tasteless things that were said about James and his family during this series. This reporter would like to apologize on behalf of the Denver fans for remarks made by fans, cheerleaders and others. There is simply no room in sports for this type of behavior.] Fans Go NUTS over Squirrels Victory! Fans and revelers showed their enthusiasm for the Squirrels’ championship by celebrating in style. 928 arrests were made by Denver riot squads in the parking lots and neighborhoods that surround the Denver Coliseum. “If you drove to the final game at the, chances are pretty good that your car was on its’ roof when you exited the arena” said Adams County Deputy Sheriff, Dan Carmody. “These Squirrels fans were unlike anything that we’ve seen in Denver.” Fires were started, cars were up-ended, projectiles were thrown and extreme violence ensued as Squirrels’ fans showed their enthusiasm for their team’s victory. “We are so thankful for the enormous level of ‘stoke’ that our fans are showing” commented Squirrels General Manager BallDon’tLie. “We really appreciate the support and hope the celebration lasts all summer!” he added. Immediately after the final buzzer, fans stormed the parking lot and set fire to anything that was combustible. In a display of organized chaos, teams of 5 broke off and dispersed throughout the area lots and began flipping vehicles one by one. “All you could see was people breaking windows, starting fires and flipping cars” said 11 year old fan Hailey Wilson of Aurora. “There were empty bottles, cans and rocks flying everywhere. My Dad let me smash window out of a minivan with a brick!” she boasted. “What a night!” commented a booze-soaked BallDon’tLie about an hour and a half after the final buzzer sounded. Surveying the riotous post game activities, he went on to remark; “Look at how excited our fans are! I’m just so proud of them for backing us like this. We have the best fans in the league! This is what sports is all about!” Squirrels coaches and players alike joined the parking lot celebration shortly after it began. Perhaps the defining scene of the night was seeing 12 or the 13 Squirrels players along members of the coaching staff jumping up and down in unison on top of a crushed Denver Police cruiser. The team was repeatedly and collectively shouting “We’re number 1!” while waving their hands with extended middle fingers in the air for all who could see. “(Expletive) YEAH mutha(expletive)’s)” commented Rufus Henry regarding the celebration. Parade Route Set The Denver Squirrels continue the celebration on Wednesday afternoon with an official championship parade. Unlike other celebrations of this nature from past Denver teams (Broncos, Avalanche), the Squirrels have decided not to utilize the typical parade route through the heart of downtown Denver and the restaurant district of LoDo. The Squirrels parade will begin in the Park Hill neighborhood just West of Colfax Avenue and end at 5-Points just Northeast of Downtown. “We gonna roll through the hood instead of the good” said Squirrels’ coach Rufus Henry. “Our fan base is largely comprised of people from these parts of town so this is our way of thanking them for their support” added a team spokesman. The Parade will conclude in front of the Rossonian Hotel with a three-story bonfire and beer-tent. This is a free event for the entire family.