NOVICE Fantasy Basketball 2011-2012

Flying Squirrels! – Denver on top of PFNFBL for 1st time ever!
Nowitski takes week off to celebrate
Denver, CO; For the first time in the 3-year history of the franchise, the Denver Squirrels find themselves atop of the PFNFBL standings after scoring a hard fought victory over Debt Team. The Squirrels, led by PG Kyle Lowry have managed to overcome a rash of injuries to star players and are finding new ways to win each and every week.

“I told ya’ll eye’z da best mutha(expletive) coach on da planet! I be fo’reelz mutha(expletive)s!!!” announced Squirrels’ head coach Rufus Henry in the post-game press conference on Sunday. “Ya’ll cun print dat (expletive) beeeeotches!!!” added Henry taking a large gulp from a bottle shielded by a brown paper bag which he then threw at the head of a local beat writer upon exiting the podium.

The writer was treated and released for a minor head injury from St. Joseph hospital on Sunday evening.

Despite injuries to Manu Ginobili, Andrea Bargnani, Spencer Hawes, Gerald Wallace, Caron Butler, Ryan Anderson, Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley at various times during the young season; the Squirrels are managing to keep grinding out victories.

“I knew this was going to be a tough season as far as injuries go.” said Squirrels’ General Manager, BallDon’tLie. “The lockout really cut our training camp down to nothing. Most of the guys opted not to participate in voluntary workouts and instead went on a 5-day pub crawl of the greater Denver/Boulder area.”

“Fitness, health and staying in shape have always been a problem for us. Our guys really like to relax off of the court and that leaves little time for weights and conditioning.” added the GM. “To combat injuries, we are going to continue to keep our guys as medicated as possible so they can play through any pain and discomfort they might be feeling.”

“We have some of the best pharmacists in the league on our staff and that really helps!”

Nowitski to take 4 Games Off; All-Star power forward Dirk Nowitski will miss the next 4 games for the Squirrels. He made this announcement late Sunday night from a night club in Greeley. The 6-11 Nowitski is claiming that he is perfectly healthy but he just needs a week of binge drinking to build up his tolerance for the remainder of the season. Team officials have noted Dirk’s inability to keep up with the grueling schedule of “basketball and booze” that the Squirrels have become known for. Nowitski is often found passed out or violently ill during off-court team functions.

Squirrels trainer, Mike Vantasslehoffen made it clear that “Dirk is not injured and he isn’t resting. He’s working hard to get himself in ‘after-game shape’ so he can be the type of player that we expect him to be.”

The Squirrels expect Nowitski to be back on the court Sunday.

Squirrels Notebook: This Thursday evening, the Denver Squirrels present, Family Ammo Night, brought to you by Scotties Guns on East Colfax. Bring your favorite handgun to the game and receive 20 free rounds of ammunition along with 10-cent drafts and 50-cent well drinks all night long. First 10,000 fans.

Squirrels Suffer Epic Beatdown in England
Horrible shooting woes do-in Denver

Leicester, UK; The chartered team bus screeched to a halt upon the request of Denver Squirrels Head Coach Rufus Henry. The coach had stopped the bus in front of an old farm in the East Midlands just outside of Leicester England where the Squirrels had just suffered their first defeat of the season. Henry led his team outside in front of an old barn on the property and instructed his team to brandish their firearms and attempt to shoot the barn.

"Ya'll mutha(expletive)s caint hit da broad-side of a mutha(expletive)'n BARN got dammit!" shouted the coach.
Henry then took his own weapon and started shooting at point guard Jeff Teague before being restrained by assistant coaches and staff members with the team. Teague was un-injured but visibly shaken from the incident. The remainder of the team unsuccessfully fired round after round of ammunition at the farm structure. The Barn was unscathed as the bus eventually pulled away from the scene.

The Squirrels, 38-25 suffered a week-long shooting slump that saw several players shooting in the teens for much of the contest against the Arsenal. Many blame it on the extended travel to England along with the team's affinity for the pubs and grog shops that the English countryside has to offer. Two players, Dirk Nowitski and Spencer Hawes were arrested on alcohol related charges during the trip to the UK.

Hawes and Teague did not make the trip back to Denver with the rest of the team for unrelated reasons.

“It was a tough loss and frustrations were high. I thought Coach Henry used the barn incident as a teaching moment and we’ll be a better team because of it. I hope that Jeff Teague and his lawyers can move past it” commented Squirrels’ GM, BallDon’tLie from an airport bar in Heathrow. “When you shoot like we did last week, some corrections have to be made”.

The schedule doesn’t get any easier this week as the Squirrels will face the red-hot Team Sasquatch in Denver. “We beat those guys the way Ike use to beat Tina earlier this year so hopefully we can do that again” stated BallDon’tLie “They’re playing a lot better now. Ummm, please make it be known that I don’t usually encourage spousal abuse. That last analogy may have been in poor taste. In fact no matter what Rhianna did, I probably wouldn’t hit her like that Chris Brown dude did. She’s smoking hot and I don’t think I’d really want to screw that up” added the GM.

Ladies night
The first annual Ladies night will be held on Tuesday night the Coliseum. There will be free admission to the first 10,000 female fans who wear a swimsuit to the game. Ladies can also enjoy complimentary well-drinks and beer at all concessions.

Charges Dropped
All charges against Walter the Squirrel stemming from what has become known as the nursing home incident have been dropped by Arapahoe County prosecutors. The decision “to avoid the embarrassment of pursuing a lawsuit” was made by the Golden Orchard assisted living facility in Littleton. Walter the Squirrel and the two Squirrel Girls involved in the “misunderstanding” were reprimanded by a judge and must each do 15 hours community service at the facility.

For my team, a week without bad-back Rose is...well...just plain weak.

Would you mind if I send Roof a case of Night Train in exchange for a team motivational speech via conference call or Skype? Skype would be better...Henry scares the beejezuzz out of them whenever they see him

I'll pass along your offer to Rufus. I'm not sure if he knows what Skype is but I'll do my best to explain it to him.

BTW Novice leaguers...
JEREMY LIN is on the trading block.
Harvard kids don't really fit-in well on a team like ours.

Anyone interested in a adding some Linsanity to their team. please post your offers here.

LOL at the fact that Eric Gordon is still on your roster.

Squirrels are In with Lin!
Denver free agent experiences unprecidented success with new team.

Denver, CO; LinSanity has hit the Denver Squirrels and it’s all that Denver fans, media members and pundits are talking about. The rookie point guard has taken the PFNFBL by storm. Lin is putting up numbers that have never been seen from a waiver wire pickup and he’s turned into an unlikely star in Denver. Where did this guy come from?

“I don’t see what all of the fuss is about. We’ve had Jeremy Lin on our Radar for about 5 years now.” boasted General Manager BallDon’tLie. “Ever since I saw the Jeremy during his freshmen year at Harvard, I knew he was going to be special. He didn’t manage to get on the floor that night when I visited his campus, but I still knew that he was going to be a special player” claimed the GM. “I just looked at the skinny Asian kid on the bench and I saw right away that he’d be putting up these kind of numbers. I was waaaay out in front of this!”

Whether the Squirrels’ scouts had coveted Lin as far back as 2006 remains to be seen but one thing is certain, Jeremy Lin has performed well in Denver. Many have compared him to another surprise superstar Denver athlete, Tim Tebow. Head coach Rufus Henry doesn’t see the comparison. “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeittttttttttttt” said Henry. “Dat Mutha(expletive) Tebow cat is a little (expletive)!” “Dute caint trow ‘n J-Lin’s a bawllla!” “Day be nothin’ like mutha(expletive) and awwwwwl dat (inaudible)!” added the coach.

“All I know is this” said BallDon’tLie as he drank a beer from a funnel. “Nobody else drafted, signed or even had this kid in for a workout.” “It’s pretty clear that I’m the greatest General Manager in the history of organized basketball. You can have your Red Auerbach’s, your Joe Dumars’s and your Pat Riley’s; None of those guys ever signed Jeremy Lin!”

Squirrels Notebook
Rufus Henry was treated and release by Denver paramedics when he stopped breathing on Tuesday evening. Henry, a heavy smoker, could not breathe after being told that Andrea Bargnani’s first name was actually ‘Andrea’. Henry had an uncontrollable fit of laughter and the Squirrels’ Head Coach lost his breath for several seconds. “Mannnn, I just thought dat was some bull(expletive) name dat we be callin’ him because he plays like a little (expletive)” explained Henry. Henry has been cleared to return to the bench after being checked out by Squirrels medical staff.

Jeremy Lin-volved in a Trade for JaVale McGee
“Lin doesn’t fit in here. We hate his snooty Cambridge attitude.” – Gerald Wallace

Denver, CO; The Linsanity has stopped for the Denver Squirrels as the ink dried Thursday evening on a trade that will send Jeremy Lin to the Geoducks for some much needed big man help in JaVale McGee. Lin who has taken the PFNFBL by storm with his “out of nowhere” story was shocked to learn of the news. “I thought I was playing pretty good. Putting up good numbers and making my teammates better” commented Lin shortly after he learned about the deal. “I’d like to thank Squirrels’ management and coach Henry for believing in me and giving me a shot. I’m looking forward to joining the Ducks and doing everything that I can to make them better” added Lin.

When asked to comment on the trade, Squirrels’ General Manager, BallDon’tLie was glad to have this deal done. “We’re ecstatic about this deal! JaVale is a player that we’ve had our eye on for quite a while. He has the type of attitude and approach to the game that truly defines our team. We were watching him play the other night when he goaltended that shot into the ninth row and we all just looked at each other and said ‘that’s our guy’!”

McGee has often been found in the doghouse with the Geoducks this season for his conduct on and off the floor. He was benched earlier in the year for tossing an off-the-backboard alleyoop to himself in a blowout loss. He’s been late to team meetings and has often butted heads with coaches. Geoducks staff members who have asked not to be named were totally elated to rid themselves of McGee.

Unconfirmed reports have JaVale McGee being named as the Squirrels’ team captain once he joins his new team.

When asked about his motivation for trading the most talked about player in sports, BallDon'tLie was quick to share his thoughts. “Jeremy Lin is a Harvard grad and is a highly intelligent guy” “He’s not what I would call ‘Squirrel Smart’ though.” “For all his fancy education and Ivy League credentials, he seemed lost regarding how much to tip a dancer after a lap dance or how to twist up a blunt without spilling cheeba on the floor of the team bus."
“The Learning curve was just too steep for Jeremy”.

Ryan Anderson added, "We tend to favor 'one-and done' guys or junior college transfers over Ivy League grads. I asked him to help me file a serial number off of a handgun that I got and he started lecturing me about the law and stuff. I was like, ...whatever."

Squirrels Notebook
Although the Squirrels head into the all-star break as PFNFBL league leaders; head coach Rufus Henry still sees room for improvement in several areas. Most notably, Henry feels the team can improve its’ field goal percentage. “We be shootin’ like (expletive)!” said Henry. “We cain’t mutha(expletive) shoot da rock (inaudible) ‘n all dat!” added the coach. When asked if he and his coaching staff would get together over the break to work on some offensive sets to get his players better shots, Henry replied “Hail no!” “I just bought a couple of fine-ass ladies and we got a suitcase full of pills ‘n (expletive).” “We be goin da Vegas fo one of dem ‘fear ‘n loafing’ weekends mutha(expletive)!”.

A Good Cause
The “Racism is bull(expletive)!” campaign has been re-named “Racism isn’t good” at the request of Denver City officials. City Council member Judy Montero stated, “While we totally agree with the message that the Denver Squirrels promotions department was trying to convey, we feel that the revised slogan has some additional mass-appeal and potential for a wider range of acceptance among media outlets. We applaud the Squirrels for bringing attention to this subject and celebrating diversity”.

The 13 billboards that line I-25 and I-70 will be changed to reflect this new slogan.

Losing and Abusing
Squirrels attempt to drown losses with alcohol

Denver, CO; The first place Denver Squirrels, mired in a 3 game losing streak have taken to the bottle to help ease the pain of recent losses. The Squirrels have been rolling all season long until a recent road trip has seen the team suffer consecutive losses for the first time this season. “It’s been pretty depressing around here lately” said Denver PG Mike Conley . “We’ve been having a tough time dealing with losing man. It’s depressing and I’m worried about a lot of these guys” added Conley as he down his 8th tequila shot in a span of 10 minutes.

Denver has seen its’ once seemingly insurmountable lead dwindled down to a 1 game margin with a showdown against 2nd place BC Budivelnik. “We don’t stand a chance against those guys right now” said Squirrels GM BallDon’tLie. “We’ve got 2 of our key guys out with alcohol poising and a bunch of other dudes who are just damaged emotionally” added BDL.

Squirrels’ star guard, Kyle Lowry along with starting forward, Rudy Gaye are both currently hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. No word on when either player will be able to return to the team.

Denver Police found Squirrels’ Head Coach Rufus Henry passed-out in a sand trap at Willis Case golf course on the city’s Northwest side. Henry was reported missing by team officials since Sunday evening. The coach reportedly told arresting officers that he’d been relaxing on a beach. Henry struck Arvada resident Bob Newman with his own putter after Newman hit Henry with an errant approach shot on the 5th hole. Newman was treated and released from a local clinic.

“The good news is that were at rock bottom and we can’t get any lower. We just have to get through the next couple of weeks and we should be cool once the playoffs start” said BallDon’tLie.

Read to Achieve
Squirrels swingman Manu Ginobili will be reading to 3rd grade students at Pleasures Adult Book Store on East Colfax from 3 – 5 pm Thursday. Squirrels GM, BallDon’tLie displayed his enthusiasm for this event by saying; “We’re really excited to participate on the PFNFBL’s Read to Achieve program and being active with the kids in our community. We’ve been visiting a lot of these book stores and showing kids the importance of reading.”

Walter the Squirrel and the Squirrel Girls dance team will also be on hand for this event.

First 1,500 fans!
The third annual Rufus Henry Bobble-Leg night is this Thursday against BC Budivelnik to the first 1,500 fans 45 years and under. Get to the game soon and get a “leg up” with this great souvenir.

LMAO! I miss being in the novice league just because of these posts by BDL. Besides, I'm currently in last place in my division in advanced league. lol

Two of my main guys got traded.
...there goes about 6 games off of my schedule.
I'm getting KILLED by the comish this week.

wow! I managed to squeak into the playoffs by half a game...wasn't expecting that. Unfortunately, I didn't set my line-up for this week and I'm missing a center

Probably doesn't matter anyway cuz BDL is likely gonna kick my butt

I was wondering what your plan was there det.
You might still win if my team continues to play like they did last night. The Squirrels took the night off last night to watch the NCAA 'ship at a local sports bar. Thanks to Rudy Gaye for showing up to shoot 3-16 and destroy any chance of taking the FG% cat.

Mike Conley was too wasted to even lace 'em up.

...At least your Center won't have any turnovers this week.

Just so you know, I'm crying watching Brand on my bench

If it makes you feel any better, he's contributing on my Keeper league team this week and keeping me in it.

Despite your shotgun lineup this week, it's still close and you could actually pull it out if my guys continue to display their alergy to making freethrows and blocking shots. I haven't checked but I think that whatever advantage I had in "games played" has now evaporated and we should be pretty even for the remainder the week.

SQUIRRELS vs GEODUCKS

Bring it, Squirrel.

Curiosity got the best of me...I just googled 'geoduck'...

Unfortunately, what has been seen can not be unseen

It's the official mascot of the Evergreen State College here in Washington. School motto: Omnia extaras- Let it all hang out.

That's a tough looking Geoduck.
It wouldn't be entirely honest of me to say that I'm not intimidated a little bit.